


Il nostro percorso sotto la luce

by LiaoftheDawn



Series: A Future full of Light [1]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, M/M, Mafia Boss Tsuna, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Single Parent Yamamoto, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4045264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaoftheDawn/pseuds/LiaoftheDawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All I ever wanted was to protect your smile that shines like the sun...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mio egoismo, tua solitudine, nostre lacrime

"Hey, Yamamoto? I think we should split up"

Everything grew silent all at once. The world around them seemed to suddenly come to a halt. The cicadas had stopped chirping. Yamamoto Takeshi stared at his silver-haired lover, as if he hadn't caught his last words. He swallowed the knot that was starting to form in his throat and managed to croak out a single word.

"Why?"

Gokudera wasn't even looking at him now, his face was turned away from him and his eyes were hidden by his silver bangs.

"I'm just sick of this. You're always so clingy and annoying! My duty is to protect the Tenth, and you're constantly getting in my way."

To be honest, Yamamoto didn't hear much past the 'sick' part. His legs felt wobbly and his knees were threatening to give in any moment. He knew he had to say something, move, scream, stop this somehow… but he couldn't. It was as if all the life had been sucked out of him. He couldn't even call out to Gokudera's retreating back, for no matter how much he strained his throat, no sound would come out of it.

* * *

_It's for the best. It's for the best. It's for the best._

Gokudera Hayato repeated the words in his mind like a mantra, over and over and over, hoping to drown with them the sound of Yamamoto's sobs and ignoring the tears that had started to pool at the corners of his eyes.

* * *

Nobody heard or saw anything from Yamamoto for the following two weeks. The recently installed Japanese Branch of the Vongola had deployed a big amount of manpower and resources to find their missing Rain Guardian, but to no avail. And thus, when said Rain Guardian came walking through the door into Sawada Tsunayoshi's office as if nothing had happened, the young head of Vongola could do little more than jump out of his seat.

"Ya-Yamamoto-kun! Where've you been?! Everyone's been so worried about you!"

The former baseball player smiled sadly at him.

"Sorry, Tsuna, I didn't mean to trouble everyone. I just needed some time alone, you know? To sort things out."

He grabbed an item from inside his pocket, and with shaking fingers, laid it on top of Tsuna's desk. The Tenth Vongola looked up at him quizzically, his eyes asking the question his mouth wasn't: 'What is the meaning of this?'

"I'm quitting from Vongola. You'll have to choose a new Rain Guardian, so I'm giving this back." He explained, pushing the Vongola Necklace of the Rain towards the boss.

"Wha-what do you mean, you're quitting?" Tsuna asked, staring in horror at the item, not daring to touch it.

"It means I'm leaving. It's been fun and everything, but I think you need someone who's stronger and more serious about this. It's not a mafia game anymore, right?"

And without further explanation, he walked out of the room, biting his lip and leaving an outraged and confused Tsuna behind. He never thought giving up this part of his life would hurt so much. But this was the best, for everyone.

It almost seemed like a bad dream. Two weeks ago, he'd been about to ask Gokudera to move in together. He'd thought that, while Gokudera would react with his usual violent 'Why the fuck would I want to do that?' –well, they were still young and had just graduated from high school- he'd surely be able to convince him in the end. Not in his wildest nightmares would he have imagined that he'd ever be where he was now: walking out of Vongola, and Gokudera's life, once and for all. The thought alone made him feel weak in the knees again.

He was so focused on getting out of there as quick as possible that he didn't realize there was someone else dashing along the same hallway, until he bumped into the other person.

"Oi, watch where the fuck you… Yamamoto?"

Takeshi's throat went dry. He'd been trying to avoid Gokudera at all costs, why did he have to bump into him, of all people?

"The fuck are you doing here? I told you I didn't want to see you anymore!"

The brown-eyed man bit his lip and managed to force the words he had practiced out in case something like this happened:

"I know, I know, geez, Gokudera, I just came to resign my position, that's all! Don't worry, I won't show my face around this place again" Good, good, he even managed to force out a chuckle at the end. That was believable, right? He didn't sound like he was on the verge of tears, did he?

"Oh, that's good then. Work will be a lot easier now."

There was a long, awkward silence in which neither of them moved, nor looked up to meet each other's eyes. Finally, Yamamoto broke the silence, his hands tightened in fists.

"I gotta go, then. I… I've got a date… tonight" his voice cracked up at the end, so he decided to dash out of there, appearances be damned. It didn't even matter if Gokudera realized he was crying, it's not like they were going to see each other… again… ever.

As the realization dawned down on him, he stopped running, not ten feet away from the door to Vongola's HQ, and let the tears flow freely down his face, small whimpers escaping his throat.

* * *

"Good… g-good for you." Gokudera mumbled, even if Yamamoto was long gone.

"It's for the best. It's for the best" he recited as he locked himself back in his office and collapsed with his back against the door. "It's for the b-best" he sobbed, unable to hold back his tears.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Takeshi-kun, I can't keep doing this anymore", with downcast eyes, Yamamoto Sayuri placed a dark yellow envelope on the table. "You always look so miserable and I'm tired of trying my best to make you happy. I know your heart has never been into… whatever this was. You don't even look at me since Fuuko was born. And you have…  _that picture_  in your wallet" the woman's voice started to crack, "The details are in there. I… I'm sorry, I may look like the worst mother ever, but I want to have a clean start, pretend nothing of this happened. I… it was a mistake… thinking you would ever come to love me. I want a second chance I…" the young woman started breathing faster and her face grew paler.

"It's okay, Sayuri-chan. I understand. I know you deserve better. Don't worry about us, we'll figure." he forced a smile on his face, the one he had gotten used to for the past six years.

As his wife… no, ex-wife now, walked out of the house, Yamamoto Takeshi, now twenty-four years of age and barely a shadow of the cheerful and optimistic boy he used to be, wondered how his life had come to this. Six years ago, after wiping out his tears and making himself half presentable, he'd done exactly what he'd told Gokudera he would: he went on a date with some girl he knew from high school. He'd even tried to kiss her while he walked her home, but he ended up crying again instead. The girl, Shirakawa Sayuri, had been kind and understanding; she had comforted him and assured him it was okay, and that she would wait for him to be ready.

They went on a second date, and then Yamamoto managed to kiss her… only to cry himself to sleep once he reached his house. Yet somehow, Sayuri-chan would happily agree to date him time and time again, only for said dates to end with Yamamoto crying for whatever reason. And when he'd managed not to cry during or after the date, came the time when the natural progression of things said he should have sex with Sayuri-chan. Except that he couldn't get it up, no matter what. And so he started smoking. He knew it was sad, pathetic, and didn't help at all with his attempt at "moving on", but taking a long drag of one of those cigarettes that smelled just like Gokudera –well it was the brand he'd always smoked- made it seem like everything had been a bad dream and he was back to where he knew he belonged. The fantasy didn't last very long, but at least it helped putting Little Yamamoto to work, and that was enough for now.

Yamamoto would never understand why Sayuri-chan stuck with him for all those years. He was everything but a good boyfriend. He was always faking smiles during their dates, and didn't touch her unless it was absolutely necessary. He didn't buy her flowers or presents, unless social cues dictated he should, like in Christmas or White Day, and he barely said anything nice to her beyond "You look cute today too". He never wanted to hold hands, and had very little to talk to her about. He never took interest in anything she told him, and never said "I love you", no matter how many times she did. He was just "there" pretending to be happy, pretending to like her, pretending, all pretending. Sayuri-chan was always patient with him. It was almost as if she didn't expect anything from him. She didn't get mad for his lack of enthusiasm about their relationship; she never demanded he said "I love you". In fact, she never got angry with him. Not even that one time when Yamamoto called Gokudera's name during sex and then broke down in tears. He'd been surprised she hadn't slapped him and walked out of the room, never to come back again.

When Sayuri-chan told him she was pregnant, Yamamoto didn't know what to think. It was her who proposed to move in together and get married. Yamamoto accepted without thinking, hoping this new family life would be the cure to his unbearable pain. And it seemed to work. He felt like he was starting to like Sayuri-chan, little by little, while taking care of her. And when the baby was born, Yamamoto felt truly happy for the first time in nearly six years. It was love at first sight. His newly-born daughter was so cute, so innocent and so lovely, that Yamamoto's pain seemed to fade away when he was with her. But as much as he learned to love his daughter in a flash, he forgot he had to love his wife too. With Fuuko monopolizing all of his attention, Sayuri-chan started to distance herself from then. By the time she came home with the divorce papers, she had been sleeping in at a friend's house for almost two weeks.

Honestly, he had seen it coming. He was actually surprised it had lasted so long. And he was happy it had. He felt guilty for hurting Sayuri-chan so much, but she had given him a precious gift –Fuuko- and that was something he would never regret. He stepped into the room where his three-month-old daughter slept, quietly standing by the side of her crib.

"I'm sorry, Fuu-chan" he whispered, brushing the small tuft of black hair growing from her tiny head. "It's gonna be just the two of us from now on. I hope you can forgive me."

He took out his wallet and looked at the picture he had kept there. Maybe he had been unable to move on because he refused to let go of it. But, how could he have kept going up until now without Gokudera's smile? The task sounded just impossible.

_Ne, Gokudera. Are you doing better than me? Are you smiling?_

* * *

Gokudera Hayato wiped the blood off his forehead with his sleeve. Good thing he hadn't brought one of his nice suits today, or it would be ruined by now. He lit a final line of dynamites and threw them at the remaining enemies, hoping that at least one of them would survive long enough to be interrogated.

As he called for his squad to retreat and leave the cleaning up to the Rain and Cloud squads, he started feeling a little queasy. There was something strangely painful every time he took a step towards the exit. He took a peek at his left leg and groaned. "Not this shit again" as he watched the blood drip from the two bullet wounds right below his kneecap. He was lucky, if those bullets had hit any higher, he wouldn't be able to walk at all. Actually, on a closer self-inspection, he had another wound on his left side, probably a bullet that brushed past him, and a dislocated shoulder from some asshole who got too close and had to be beaten in a fistfight. He sighed.

_Well, I've been worse._

* * *

"You're gonna get yourself killed at this rate, Hayato" Shamal grumbled in displeasure as he pulled the bullets out from his wounded leg. "I'm telling Sawada to keep you away from these missions until your leg gets better, you're not going to do a lot of running and jumping with this wound."

Gokudera fliched in pain "Don't fuck with me, I'm the Tenth's Right Hand, I can't just take a break for a little thing like this. I'll be fine, I've been worse before"

"Yeah… I don't care, I'm still telling Sawada. I'm sick of having to treat you all-the-damned-time. You're gonna make it up for me, I'm giving you a special service here and all you know how to do is get yourself hurt."

"Well, I'm sorry if I throw your hard work to the trash, but this is the mafia, not the kindergarten. People get hurt and killed all the time. It's part of the job."

Shamal glared at him, pinching him especially hard with the needle he was using to stitch up the gash on his left side. Gokudera flinched again and glared back. He was about to speak his mind, when the doctor let out a long sigh.

"It's as if you've forgotten all I ever taught you, stupid brat. It's already been six years, could you stop trying to destroy yourself already? I thought you said 'it was for the best' back then, but the way I see it, Vongola is left without one guardian and with a completely useless Right Hand."

Gokudera's heart got caught in his throat. He hadn't talked about his break-up with Yamamoto with anyone in six years. In fact, he hadn't talked about Yamamoto at all during all that time. Only Shamal had managed to force the truth out of him, and they never discussed the topic again. But that didn't mean Gokudera had stopped thinking about the ex-Rain Guardian. The more he tried not to think about him, the more haunted and lonely he felt. So yeah, maybe he'd tried to drown his misery with really dangerous missions and a little bit of physical pain, what was so wrong about that?

"You know, the Bucking Horse has been spying on that guy for a while. You know, to make sure he's safe in case he decides to come back some day."

Yes, he knew Cavallone had sent some of his men to look after Yamamoto in secret. But he'd never wanted to ask, he'd never wanted to know about it. He felt that, if he heard of the other man, he'd feel the incontrollable need to go back to him, take it all back, start over. He didn't want that. He'd made a decision back then. He wanted Yamamoto to keep shining like the sun, to smile brightly and walk a path of light forever. He didn't want him to come to this world of darkness and blood. He knew what'd happen if he did. He couldn't allow Yamamoto's smile to disappear.

"I just thought you should know, that Yamamoto is now married and recently became a father. He seems like he's doing well, don't you think?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this fandom is a little death but boy do I love these pair.
> 
> When I started writing I thought it'd be a One-shot, but I thought it'd be nice to cut it there, with both of them thinking of each other and how unhappy they are for being apart. Also, Yamamoto's reflections about his relationship with his wife got a little longer than I expected. I just wanted to give more insight to her character and how desperately she loved Yamamoto that she was willing to put up with him even if he never loved her, because she just wanted to make sure that he was okay and didn't go down self-destruction lane. Since she's not going to show up at all anymore, I wanted to make her justice. I actually wanted to add a little more about how she was the one who found him during those two weeks he went missing and the one that forced him to pick himself back together, but I couldn't find anywhere to fit it.
> 
> Sorry if Dera seems like a douche, he has his reasons. Hope they don't seem too OOC, when I wrote this it'd been a while since the manga finished. Also sorry for excesive crying, crying men are bad for my ovaries.
> 
> Also, don't mind the "series" title, it's horrible but I couldn't think of a better one and I have more stories for this canon and it's six in the morning, I do what I can D:
> 
> Anyway thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. All comments are loved and appreciated


	2. Mia culpa, tua insonnia, nostro anelito

Ten years ago, Gokudera had suddenly found himself in "the future". It was a dark, horrible and painful future to look at. One where the Tenth had died and he hadn't been able to protect him. A future where they had to be on constant edge, fearful of being attacked by unknown enemies. A future engulfed in a war that they were losing.

He and the Tenth had spent merely a few hours in that strange and terrifying world when they encountered Yamamoto Takeshi. But not the same Yamamoto that had barely made it alive out of the Battle for the Rings with a gleaming grin on his face, and still undoubtedly convinced that this was all a mafia game. No. This tall man with rough hands and battle scars on his face made the same silly jokes his past-self did, but with no joy in his eyes and a sad,  forced smile on his face. Gokudera couldn't bear to look at him.

Later that night, while the Tenth cried himself to sleep after hearing the horrible truth of what the future had become, Gokudera couldn't even bring himself to close his eyes. Every time he did, the haunted look on Yamamoto's face when Reborn told them about his father's death popped up in his mind and made him want to cry too.

Eventually, Gokudera gave up on sleeping and decided to take a stroll around the base, see if he could find some peace of mind and an extra pack of smokes. What he found instead, was Yamamoto Takeshi sitting at the kitchen table, all by himself, fiddling with an open can of beer. The Storm Guardian tried to run away unnoticed, but it was too late.

"Oh, if it isn't Haya- sorry, it's Gokudera now, right?"

The silver-haired boy looked down and walked towards the older man.

"Sorry, I just… I couldn't sleep."

Yamamoto smiled at him and ruffled his hair gently. "Don't worry, I know it's a lot to take in."

"I-I'm sorry… about your old man. I shouldn't have hit you earlier." Gokudera blurted out suddenly, his hands clenched in fists.

"It's not your fault. It must be hard for you to get involved in this cruel war all of a sudden." The Rain Guardian took a last drag out of the beer and threw the can away carelessly. "Besides, there's no way I could get mad at Ha-… Gokudera." He chuckled "Old habits die hard, eh?"

Gokudera didn't want to see this anymore. He didn't want to look at this Yamamoto whose eyes were shadowed with grief and whose smile was a forced habit, nothing like the natural, innocent and bright smile he wore in the past. Gokudera hated being the one getting comforted, he hated that Yamamoto had to act mature and be nice to him, and pretend to be strong when he was clearly in so much pain.

"I know I shouldn't give this to a kid, but maybe this'll make you feel better?" he offered a pack of cigarettes to him, exactly the same brand he smoked. Gokudera took it with shaky hands and lit a smoke at record speed. He really needed one of those now.

"You… you smoke now?"

Yamamoto chuckled again and shook his head. "Hayato gets really pissed when he runs out of them in the middle of missions. I always carry some around, just in case. Though with so little manpower, we hardly go on missions together these days. I… actually I…haven't seen him in two weeks… Damn." His voice seemed to shake a little at the end, and he stood up to grab another beer from the fridge, which he downed in one large gulp.

Gokudera bit his lip as he watched the older man throw the can away and open a third one. His calloused hands were shaking by then.

"I-I'm sorry Gokudera. I'm pathetic, right? I'm supposed to be stronger… it's not fair that I'm acting like t-this, when you guys are so scared. I-I…"

Gokudera stood from the table and cut the Rain Guardian off grabbing his shoulder and forcing him to look at him.

"Damn you, idiot! You haven't changed at all in the last ten years! You still strain yourself beyond your capabilities, I've always hated that about you. Why… why do  _you_  have to play strong when everything's so fucked up?! You… you lost your father! You're not supposed to be strong, damn it!" He started getting frustrated and felt the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. "Why? Why does it have to be you?" he mumbled, no longer looking at Yamamoto. "You… you were supposed to… stay a stupid baseball idiot forever and help your dad with the sushi restaurant. You of all people… you of all people shouldn't be… part of this shit"

Yamamoto hugged him. "Thank you... for worrying about me" he stroked his cheek, his hands rough with the use of the sword, and leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. "Let's keep that a secret from the past me, yes? He'd get horribly jealous. And I know that because I'd be too" he winked.

The silver-haired boy was at a loss for words. He and Yamamoto had just stared dating a few weeks ago, he had never even stopped to wonder if their relationship had lasted all the way to this dark future.

"I'm not supposed to tell you about how things are in this era –well, not beyond the strictly necessary- but if I didn't have Hayato by my side… if he hadn't been there with me, when Dad was… I-I don't know what would have become of me." his eyes turned gentle and a sad smile drew itself on his lips. "You know? Even if everything looks so dark and hopeless now, I don't think I'll ever regret choosing this life. Back then I only thought that I wanted to follow Hayato, in the mafia game or anything else, but now, I'd rather be here fighting with everyone than sit around hoping that things would somehow fix themselves. I could never live with myself if something happened to someone I love while I live an easy life."

Gokudera understood exactly what those words, accompanied by the soft way in which the future Yamamoto looked at him, meant. It was his fault. It had all been his fault. Yamamoto's gloomy, haunted look was his fault. He had brought Yamamoto here. He was the cause of Yamamoto's misery, his grief. He, and him alone, was to blame for making Yamamoto's smile disappear. Yamamoto would never say so himself, he was probably unaware of it, but it was Gokudera and his selfishness that forced Yamamoto down this path of blood and pain.

And the moment that realization hit him, he woke up.

It happened every now and then, that nightmare. The first time, six years ago, Gokudera woke up with tears running down his cheeks, and the next he knew, he was breaking up with Yamamoto for good. He had decided to take matters into his own hands, and that meant stopping that future from happening. He was determined. Even if it was painful, even if it broke his heart, even if he spent the rest of his life in loneliness, Gokudera would never allow Yamamoto to continue down the same path as him.

Yamamoto was a creature of light. He was meant to run under the sun and smile so brightly it made everyone else blind. Gokudera loved that smile. It felt like a shower of sunlight, even in the darkest hour. He would not – _could_  not- let that smile be consumed by darkness.

He knew it was a selfish decision; one that had been taken with his heart, rather than his head, and would trouble the Tenth, no doubt. He never explained it to Yamamoto either. It would've been pointless, anyway. That baseball idiot would've just laughed it off and said that he would stay by his side, regardless of anything; and so, he also had to make sure to hurt Yamamoto to push him away. The sound of his sobbing lover in the distance haunted him. But he didn't regret his decision once. Yamamoto would get over it. He was young, he loved being alive, and could now have a peaceful, bright future without Gokudera interfering. In spite of his perennial loneliness, and the knowledge that  _he_  would never feel so happy and fulfilled as he was back when he could just lie in the grass with Yamamoto and hear him tell silly tales about the stars above them, he was still certain that he had made the right decision. And whenever he felt most miserable he had that nightmare again, remembering what could have been, and that alone reassured him that his choice had been the best.

The moment Shamal mentioned that Yamamoto was not only married but was also a father now, a smile of relief drew itself on his lips. "I'm so glad." He whispered. He'd been right all along. Yamamoto had been able to move on and was now leading a happy, normal life.

_He must be smiling now._

The thought of that beautiful, bright smile brought comfort to Gokudera's soul. At the same time, thinking how that smile belonged to someone else broke his heart.

* * *

"Well, that's the last one" Yamamoto sighed cheerfully, dropping the last box in his old room.

It'd been two weeks since he signed the divorce papers. It had all gone so fast, Yamamoto sometimes wondered if he hadn't dreamed it. One day Sayuri-chan was leaving their house with all her belongings, the next one, they were meeting with lawyers, getting the divorce papers signed, and voilà, he became a single father with a mere flick of the fingers. Sayuri-chan said she wanted to make a clean break, start over and just forget that whatever their pretend marriage was had ever happened, and so she granted him full custody of their daughter so easily it seemed surreal.

That house was too big and too lonely for just the two of them, and Yamamoto would need his father's help with the baby, just as much as his father needed him to help in the restaurant, so the obvious choice was moving back to his old home. Tsuyoshi had scolded him at first.

"In the end, you only managed to hurt that poor girl."

"I know. I'm the worst, huh? Sayuri-chan was always really nice to me, she deserved so much better."

He'd probably known from the start, that no matter how hard he tried, he would never stop loving Gokudera, and that he could never fall in love with anyone else. He surely knew it; he just didn't want to admit it because he knew Gokudera wasn't coming back. The painful reality of it and how he would never feel complete again had been too much to bear, and he'd just tried to fill that emptiness with whatever was available. Sayuri-chan had been the true victim of that.

"But hey, I made you a grandpa, aren't you at least happy about that?" he joked, watching as his father made funny faces at Fuuko. At least her, he could love truly, no pretenses. She made his empty heart feel warmer and less lonely.

"Yeah, and that's the only reason I'm letting you come back, stupid son."

He didn't quite feel like unpacking yet, but he knew if he delayed it any longer, he'd never get to it. He unpacked Fuuko's stuff first: clothes, toys, picture books, diapers, her tiny futon, milk bottles… being a father was a lot harder than Yamamoto ever expected it to be. Now that the mom had left them, he also needed special formulas to replace breast milk. The pediatrician had looked at him with pity when he tried to explain the situation for the first time, completely clueless as to how to go about raising a child on his own.

He knew it wasn't impossible. His own father had practically done the same with him, and he'd always considered himself a blessed and happy boy, which is why his immediate thought had been to ask his old man for help.

Tsuyoshi had never approved of his relationship with Sayuri-chan. Takeshi supposed it was some sort of father instinct; he just seemed to know from the beginning that it wasn't going to work. When he thought about that, and how his dad would always seem able of seeing right through him, he got scared. What would he do if he was unable to understand his daughter like that? It was a scary thought.

Once Fuuko's clothes were in order, he continued to unpack the few remaining boxes. It was kind of depressing to realize that all of his life could be kept in two large boxes, and half of it was just mementos from the past. His room itself seemed like it was stuck in time; with the walls covered in baseball posters, and pictures of his high school days all over the desk. His old futon was still rolled-up in the closet, and it felt kind of wrong having his daughter sleep in this room that had witnessed so many of his teenager-self's naughts. He smiled thinking of how many times he had rolled around in that futon, half-naked with Gokudera in his arms.

He slapped himself mentally. If he was ever to move on and become a competent father for Fuuko, he really needed to stop dwelling on the past. He had a reason to keep on forward, and he had to take this seriously now.

"Hey, Pops, I'm taking a walk with Fuu-chan, I want to show her the neighbourhood!" he called out, once all the unpacking was done.

Of course, moving on didn't mean he had to throw away that one photo of Gokudera he carried in his wallet, right?

* * *

"I think I instructed you not to go on any missions until that leg got better" Shamal grumbled, glaring at him.

"Didn't feel like sitting around doing paperwork all fucking day" he replied nonchalantly, ignoring the pain of the deep burns on his arm, and the fact that his previously wounded leg hadn't taken lightly to him raiding the base of some illegal traders, solo.

"If you keep ignoring my instructions, I won't waste my time treating you anymore."

"Then don't."

The punch wasn't unexpected, but it still added more, dull ache to his already injured body and made a big, purple bruise on his cheek. The doctor left the room seething, without uttering a single word, and leaving him there with his arm's skin burnt and raw, and a possibly fractured leg.

It wasn't enough. The pain. He needed more of it. He felt sick and twisted, but he also knew the only way to ignore the agonizing pain in his heart was to make his body hurt even more. His physical pain also made him forget his guilt. What the fuck was wrong with him? He should be happy, relieved to know that Yamamoto had kept moving down the path of light, like he had wanted him to. Then why did he feel so miserable, so angry? Why did he hate that woman he had never met, who was now walking by his side? And why did he hate Yamamoto for being happy without him? He knew why. He was envious, sore and lonely. Yamamoto was happy now, he had been able to forget him and move on with his life; something that Gokudera had been unable to do. He hated it. He hated him for loving someone else. He hated him for being happy without him.

When he caught himself in that train of thought, he realized how corrupted and rotten he was inside. He had definitely been right in letting Yamamoto go, it would've never done him any good to stick with a sick bastard like himself. He should be happy for Yamamoto, he had done everything Gokudera wanted him to, and yet he was full of this horrible, hateful feelings. And he detested himself for it. Without him realizing it, his thoughts had become a horrible cycle of hate. Hating Yamamoto, hating himself. And the best way to pull himself out of it was the pain. If he could reach a point in which all of his body was in so much pain that his mind went blank and his heart's ache would seem small in comparison, he was sure he'd be alright.

* * *

Yamamoto woke up to the wailing of his daughter for the third time that night. He rolled over and reached towards the little girl lying on the small futon next to his, flailing her small chubby arms and crying unhappily.

"Come on, don't cry, love, it's just another nightmare. It's okay, a full night's sleep is overrated anyway" he joked, picking up the crying bundle and rocking her in his arms.

He walked around the room slowly, rocking the baby and humming an old lullaby until her wails became soft sobs. Fuuko had had trouble sleeping all the past week and Yamamoto already had dark circles under his eyes. Before Sayuri-chan left, she didn't have trouble sleeping all through the night, but lately, that hadn't been the case.

"You really miss your Mommy, don't you? It's okay, I understand. I miss someone too. But we've got to be strong now, okay? We've got each other, we'll figure it out."

He held the child close against his chest, and the beating of his heart seemed to soothe her back to sleep. Yamamoto kissed his daughter softly on the top of her head and sat down next to the window, still holding her in his arms.

"We'll be alright"

He pulled a blanket on top of them and slowly fell asleep with the warmth of the baby's body against his and the pitter patter of the rain on the window.

* * *

The first thing he heard when waking up was the banging of a door slammed open and the loud, angry yell of the Tenth coming in.

"Gokudera-kun, that's enough!"

It was the fifth time in the last month that the Storm Guardian woke up in the medical wing of the Vongola Headquarters. Up to recently, he had been able to walk himself all the way back, but lately, he just blacked out in the middle of an explosion that was too close for comfort, or lost consciousness after three or four bullets flew through his shoulder or… well… most of the time he didn't even remember. This time, he'd collapsed from the pain on his leg, which hadn't really had any time to heal between explosions, bullets, and running around.

"Ah… Forgive me, Tenth, I wasn't careful. I've soiled the reputation of Vongola, I'll accept the…"

This punch he didn't expect it. Everyone seemed to be punching him these days. But it didn't really bother him that much.

"Stop with that nonsense already! I don't know what's gotten into you, but I want it to stop NOW. This has nothing to do with anyone's reputation, I thought we settled that years ago. If you keep trying to get yourself killed I might as well get you replaced. Vongola has no use for a Guardian that doesn't care for his own life, and I certainly don't want my best friend putting himself in danger so stupidly all the time."

Gokudera didn't remember the last time he saw the Tenth so furious. One of the things he admired about his boss was his ability to take things calmly and respond accordingly. He was just so gentle at heart. But worrying about him was also part of his gentleness.

"I'm sorry, Tenth. It won't happen again."

"Of course it won't! You're staying off the field until I say so."

The Storm Guardian had to smile at seeing how the Tenth had turned into such a magnificent boss. It had been hard at first; the boss didn't like ordering people around and the responsibilities were too great for a young boy like him, but with the passing of the years he had come to get the hang of it and found a way to reconcile the harsh and strict nature of his position with his own kind and caring ideals.

After the Tenth left the room, the Smoking Bomb lied down on the bed, wondering if it would be weird to request for a  _lower_  dose of morphine.

* * *

Tsunayoshi pulled out his cellphone and called number 3 on his speed-dial

' _This is Cavallone, what can I do for you?'_

"Dino-san, I need to ask for a favor. Next time Gokudera-kun attempts to destroy himself, we're doing  _that_. We'll think about the consequences later."

'Anything for my little brother. I'm sure you'll figure out the best solution in the long run.'

"I hope so." The Tenth Vongola boss mumbled as he hung up.

* * *

"You have to let me go!"

"No means no, Gokudera-kun. It's been less than 10 days since you were discharged, and your leg isn't fully recovered yet. If you keep straining yourself like this, you might get injured for good."

"But this mission is important! We've been gathering intel on those bastards for half a year and we can finally catch them red-handed; I  _must_  go."

"And I said you're not. Your subordinates will sort it out; they're capable enough, even without you there. And I'll have Mukuro on standby just in case. Or are you trying to imply that I don't have a correct assessment of my people's abilities?"

Gokudera staggered. "N-no, not at all! I would never even think such a thing. I apologize for offending you, I'll take my leave now."

Tsuna sighed as Gokudera left the office. Why did people still think they could fool him? He called Dino once again, all that anger making him exhausted.

"Hey, Dino-san? About that thing with Gokudera-kun… I've changed my mind, can you give me the addresss? I want go personally and… Yes…No, but he will, and I'm sick of this. Better stop this nonsense now before it escalates any further… Oh really? Well, that makes everything a little easier… Yeah, thanks."

As Sawada Tsunayoshi left the office, he wondered if everything wouldn't have been easier if he had turned down the position of Vongola leader, as he had originally intended to. He could have a normal life with his friends instead of figuring out complicated ways to protect them and worrying constantly over their inevitably dangerous lifestyle.

It was too late to think of that, he knew, and he would help no one by feeling guilty about his decisions in the past. He'd just have to work around with what he had now and keep moving forward like he'd always done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about it in the reviews and I had to facepalm. Well duh! If there's a cute baby daughter, how could I not exploit cute Daddy!Yama being cute. I think I'll add a couple more next chapter before the inevitable happens.
> 
> I don't know if I went overboard with the drama. I've always believed that things always look the worst when they're about to take a turn for the best. So of course I didn't quite enjoy writing suicidal!Gokudera, but I really wanted to make him drown in despair without him even realizing he was doing it. I'm also pretty certain that the relationship I portray here is not healthy at all. Their level of mutual co-dependence is seriously not okay. But I have a thing for intense, passionate feelings; both of love and desire, and of despair and yearning, and that's what I was going for here.
> 
> I hope you like it, and thanks for everyone who's read, kudo'ed or commented


	3. Mio dolore, tua paura, nostra crocevia

Little Yamamoto Fuuko giggled happily as her father tickled her bare foot.

"Oh! So you're having fun? But I was  _punishing_  you for kicking your sock away! Are you trying to be too smart; is that it?" Yamamoto Takeshi laughed too, nibbling on the little girl's toe. "See? You're so tiny I could eat you anytime. Oh my, I might be getting hungry just now, what should we do?"

The baby squirmed and laughed as her father kissed her tummy, while surreptitiously slipping the discarded sock back in place.

"Aha! That's one run for Daddy, right on the first inning. Think you can beat that, young lady?"

"Takeshi, we're opening in five minutes!" Tsuyoshi called from the front of the restaurant.

"Hear that? Good thing we got that sock back on, we wouldn't want a cute lady like you to appear in public bare-footed, huh? Come on, let's go help Grandpa. You can bring Mr. Cat too, I'm sure he'll be of great help." He smiled, sitting his daughter on the baby chair. He took the chair in one hand and the babybag with Fuuko's milk, diapers and favorite cat plushy in the other one and moved towards the front of the restaurant.

Sometimes he thought the soreness on his shoulders was the weight of paternity. And those times he also remembered how hard it was to be lonely.

* * *

Gokudera knew very well that he had promised the Tenth not to interfere with this mission. Moreover, he had been ordered to stay away from the base where they knew the gang they were chasing down was hiding. The members of his Storm Squad had already initiated the raid and there were Cloud Squad people just about everywhere, waiting for everything to be over so they could handle arrests and interrogations. Hibari not only specialized in that, but had also learned to enjoy getting answers the hard way. If that wasn't enough to reassure Gokudera of the imminent success of this mission, he had also seen Mukuro and some other Mist Illusionists, apparently waiting just in case something went wrong.

He knew all of this intellectually. Yet, here he was, quietly approaching the entrance, trying hard to go unnoticed, while the first bangs of battle exploded inside the building. He didn't know if he had become addicted to fights, actions and the sound of explosions or if he'd turned into a masochist that liked taking bullets and knives on his body. Neither did he want to think about it or his stupid leg that hurt like bitch.

With a gun in one hand and a stick of dynamite in the other one, he cleared his head of every unpleasant thought and forced his way inside, all consequences be damned.

* * *

The Takezushi had been open for less than half an hour and no clients had arrived yet when Fuuko suddenly started crying. Yamamoto dropped the knives he was using to chop vegetables and ran to his daughter's side with concern all over his face.

"What's wrong, Fuu-chan? Are you hungry? You just had lunch twenty minutes ago. Or maybe you're just suddenly having a rush of sad feelings?" He smiled sweetly, picking the bawling child in his arms and wiping her tears with a handkerchief. "Oh dear, you really are sad. Come on, tell Daddy everything that's troubling you. I'll do my best to make it better, okay?"

He rocked her gently and rubbed her back to soothe her, but her cries wouldn't stop. Just when Yamamoto was starting to get worried and ask his father, a customer entered through the front door.

"Welcome! I'll be with you in a minute!" He called rushed, taking a step towards the kitchen to call his old man. Just then, a hand was softly placed on his shoulder, and his eyes widened when he turned to meet the newly arrived man.

"That won't be necessary, Yamamoto-kun. I just want to chat a little."

Fuuko's cries stopped suddenly and Takeshi found himself speechless. Six years had done a lot to make Sawada Tsunayoshi look almost like a completely different person.

"I-it's been a while, Tsuna! Haha, you look like you're doing fine, haha" he laughed nervously, sitting on the bar beside his old friend, with Fuuko on his lap.

"You look great too, Yamamoto-kun. Also, congratulations on your marriage, I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

"Ahaha, don't worry, it was just decided out of the blue. Not that it really matters anymore either. Come on Fuuko, say 'hello' to uncle Tsuna".

The little girl beamed and stretched her arms towards the Tenth's face, too small to reach. Tsuna smiled and grabbed one of the girl's tiny hands playfully.

"She's adorable, and she resembles you a lot. I'm really happy to see you're doing so well."

"Thanks, I'm doing my best. I hope everything's working well for you and Vongola too."

Tsuna ruffled the little girl's short hair and she giggled joyfully.

"Actually, I came to talk to you about that. When you decided to quit I didn't try to persuade you because I respected your decision. I'd always opposed Reborn when he first dragged you into this anyway, so I thought it would be best to let you go. It makes me feel like a horrible person having to ask this of you, after so many years and in front of this really cute daughter of yours but…" Tsuna stroked the Vongola Ring he carried. It just seemed to get heavier with the years.

"I want you to come back to Vongola."

* * *

There were many things that Rokudo Mukuro disliked: the mafia, the Vongola, taking orders, wasting his time… It would actually be easier to list down the things he did like: Making people miserable and teasing the Tenth Vongola. This didn't quite explain why he was perched up in a tree, watching as Gokudera Hayato's subordinates raided a gang's hideout, supposedly on standby just in case things went wrong. He was bored to death.

It was then that he noticed the Storm Guardian sneaking around some bushes, apparently trying to hide from both friends and foes while dragging his injured leg behind him. Mukuro smirked and licked his lips as he pulled out his cellphone. Well, at least he'd get something out of this.

' _Yes? This is Sawada."_

The agitated tone in Tsunayoshi's voice made him frown. Was there someone troubling the Tenth Vongola? Someone other than him? Unforgiveable.

"You wouldn't happen to be looking for your lost Storm Guardian, would you, Tsunayoshi? Because I just caught him doing some really naughty stuff."

' _Mukuro, please, I'm busy, what're you talking about?'_

The Mist Guardian pouted. He didn't like it when Tsunayoshi didn't react to his taunts.

"Your Right Hand man just snuck into the target building, I just thought you would want to know." His smirk returned to his lips when he heard a gasp in the background. "Also, you may want to turn off the speaker."

' _Huh? What do you mean now?'_  the phone clicked, making Mukuro know the speaker had been turned off. ' _Did something happen to Gokudera-kun?'_

The illusionist frowned again. Worrying about that ruthless brat when his mind was already on a completely different thing was so typical of Tsunayoshi. "No, not yet at least. But I'm getting back at you for making me play nanny."

He swore he could hear Tsunayoshi's smirk in his voice.  _'Don't worry, if everything turns out fine, I'll be sure to give you a_ proper reward _.'_  There was a small pause, and he heard noise and cries in the background. 'I'm hanging up. I'll see you later.' and the call ended before Mukuro had time to reply.

He licked his lips as his smirk grew even wider than before. As he watched Gokudera Hayato successfully slipping through the entrance of the building, he thought for a moment that sometimes he didn't quite mind being used by Tsunayoshi like this.

* * *

Tsuna hung up and turned back towards Yamamoto with a sigh.

"Well, you heard that, right? That's the situation right now. I'm really sorry that I have to ask you this, but I've run out of ideas. I don't want Gokudera-kun to get hurt anymore, and you were always the best at getting things through to him. I know it's hard for you after everything that happened; I just don't know what else to do."

Yamamoto held Fuuko tight against his body. Hearing from Gokudera after all this time made his heart throb. He wanted nothing more than to run back and hold the man he loved in his arms once again; take in the smell of mint and smoke of his hair and lose himself in his warmth. But Gokudera had made it clear that he didn't want to see Yamamoto ever again; and if there was one thing Yamamoto didn't want, that was to be a burden to Gokudera. Yet now, hearing how his former lover kept risking his life unnecessarily, his desire to forget everything that happened and get him back struck stronger than ever. But how could he possibly hope to help if Gokudera didn't want to be remotely associated with him? Heck, how could Tsuna believe he would be of help? His presence would most likely infuriate Gokudera further. Was there really anything he could do?

Once, a long time ago, he'd thought he'd do anything for Gokudera's sake. He'd join the mafia and quit baseball, so long as he could be by Gokudera's side. He knew back then that it was a selfish desire; his selfish and unyielding need to be with Gokudera. Even back then, he knew for certain that there was no other way for him to be happy. Even if all his dreams came true, they would never satisfy him if Gokudera wasn't with him. Knowing that Gokudera held such a power over him seemed a little scary now, but back then it didn't matter; they were together and they loved each other. Yes, in spite of his denial and how hard it was for him to accept his feelings, Gokudera had loved him, and Yamamoto knew it. And then, somehow, at some point, he had stopped doing it. Yamamoto didn't even know what he had done wrong, which of all the tiny tantrums Gokudera threw about Yamamoto's airheadedness had been a display of real anger and frustration. The former Rain Guardian had gone over it so many times it made him dizzy. He had reviewed every step of their relationship again, and again, and again to try and find where he had ruined it, hoping against all hopes that whatever it was, he could fix it, bring things back to how they were.

Sometimes he'd caught himself doing that and slapped himself mentally ' _I'm supposed to be moving on'_  he would tell himself, and then he would cry a little, both from sadness and the frustration of finding himself incapable of doing so.

And now, here he was, still completely incapable of moving on, but with the chance to  _see him_  again. Yet he was too terrified of the certain rejection that awaited. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to take another heart break. Just imagining the pain made him lose his breath. He could always take the easy way out and use his now squirming daughter as an excuse. For a moment, he thought that she might now be feeling all the fear, loneliness and sadness that were choking him and that maybe that was making her anxious; and he felt like the worst. But he knew he couldn't just run away and hide to protect his own heart when Gokudera was out there, getting hurt and mindlessly putting his life at risk. How could he just sit around and do nothing when the man he loved was in such danger? What would he do if something happened to Gokudera? That thought seemed impossibly more terrifying than any rejection could ever be.

The moment he reached that realization, Tsuna's phone rang again. When he heard his friend suddenly yell at the phone, he turned his head to try and listen in to the conversation.

"What do you mean'you lost him'?!"

' _I'm sorry, sir! None of us expected Gokudera-sama to show up, especially not on the vanguard! He went into a room and the floor collapsed, and now we can't reach him! A-and he looked really injured even before that. I've sent some men but we're gonna need reinforcements and we-"_

"It's okay, don't worry. Calm down and continue with the operation as planned. I'll send reinforcements immediately."

Yamamoto didn't need any more thinking. "Pops! I need you to take care of Fuu-chan for a while, I've got stuff to do." He called, standing quickly from his seat. He had Tsuna write the address of the building for him and he passed his daughter down to his father once he arrived. "Sorry, sweetheart, Daddy's got to head out a little, it's really important. I'll make it up to you; we'll play lots when I come back, okay? Be a good girl and don't give Grandpa too much trouble." He kissed her forehead and headed straight for the door when he heard Tsuna calling him.

"You'll need this!" the brown-haired said, throwing something at him.

Yamamoto smiled as he caught the Vongola Necklace of the Rain and put it back where it belonged before running out of the restaurant.

* * *

"Fuck this shit." His stupid leg was not-fucking-moving. He felt sticky from the blood leaking out from his many wounds –half of them he didn't even know how he'd got them. His bones and muscles hurt from the fall –after a quick calculation he determined he'd fallen from about 10 feet; which pissed him off because none of the intel they'd gathered mentioned that the building had such a frickin' huge basement- and his stupid leg was not-fucking-moving.

He leaned on a pile of debris lying right next to him and managed to stand back on his feet and take a step forward, in spite of the excruciating pain on his leg. He'd started pondering how on Earth he would get back to the surface when he heard a laughing voice.

"Well, well, look at what we just caught. I know your face; you're Vongola's Right Hand Man, the 'terrifying and invincible' Smoking Bomb. I'm disappointed. I expected more from the famous Vongola Famiglia, but if this is the best the Right Hand Man can do, getting rid of the other mongrel should pose no problem, right?"

A tall man walked out of the shadows, as if he'd been there waiting for someone to fall for their stupid trap. Gokudera recognized him as one of the leaders of the gang, according to their information; but he couldn't be really bothered to try and remember the guy's name when he had a gun's cannon pointed straight at his face. He had to stop and think, and quickly, before the guy decided he was sick of his face. The Storm Guardian dropped his gun and lifted his hands to show he was unarmed.

"Hey man, at least let me grab a smoke before you off me, yeah? For the pain." And he pointed at his useless leg with his eyes.

The taller man seemed to think about it for a moment and finally nodded with a frown, his grip on the gun tightening.

Gokudera smirked as he reached for his lighter. "You really should fire your intel, they're doing a really crappy job." He said with a smug smile as he lit a handful of mini-bombs and threw them at the other man's face before he even had the time to fire the gun.

"And  _that's_  why they call me Smoking Bomb. Don't you dare make lightly of Vongola!"

Suddenly, he felt a blinding pain in his head and the taste of blood filled his mouth. His already weak legs gave in and his vision blurred, but he forced himself to stay conscious. When he turned his head he saw two other shadows, tall and bulky, and one of them was holding a long thin object. His mind was in too much a daze to make out anything beyond the moving shadows and the sound of voices speaking unintelligible words. He coughed blood and heard the click of a gun. He knew he  _had_  to move, activate the Sistema C.A.I, roll over, throw a bomb,  _do something_. But he just couldn't. He was so tired and everything hurt so much, all he wanted was to fall asleep and never wake up. It sucked; dying meaninglessly like this, but he didn't care anymore. He wanted to drift off to some place where he didn't feel this lonely. The most stupid thing of all was that, even with every inch of his body screaming in pain, his heart hadn't stopped aching one bit.

A long time ago, when they'd had to battle it out in the future, he had been in mortal danger, heavily injured and with very little strength left in his body, but he had kept fighting, and somehow he'd persevered and survived. No; that wasn't right. He hadn't been alone and heart-broken back then. Yamamoto had been there. He'd been so pissed he even yelled at him; he'd never seen Yamamoto so angry. But because he was there, they were able to defeat Gamma and regroup, even with heavy and painful injuries.

Things were different now. Yamamoto wasn't here. And Gokudera didn't have any spirit left in him to keep fighting. He just wanted the pain to stop. All the pain. A tear ran down his cheek.

"…era!"

He heard yells and incomprehensible voices. And then, one of them slowly became clearer, as if the sound of it struck directly and pulled the main chord in his heart. It hurt so much and it felt so good, Gokudera wondered if he was dead already.

"Gokudera!"

He heard a gun firing and knew he wasn't dead yet. What was more surprising was that the bullet never reached him. He lifted his gaze and managed to make out a silhouette: tall, thin, spiky hair… he rubbed his eyes and tried to force himself to come back to reality. And what he saw horrified him.

_Yamamoto._

The taller man was standing between him and the other two shadows, which he still couldn't make out clearly. He was wearing Japanese clothes and held a sword in his hands. The two animals surrounding him made it clear that he was using his Vongola Gear.

Gokudera tried to call out to him, tell him to go away, but his voice wouldn't come out. Instead, he focused on Yamamoto's face to see a bleeding cut on the right side of his chin, and his eyes fixed on the other two men, gleaming darkly.

_Stop it. Stop it. Go away. Go away. STOP IT._

He scratched his own throat, trying to force his voice out. He had to stop this. He couldn't let Yamamoto come back, not after all he'd done, all the loneliness he had endured to keep him away from the darkness.

Yamamoto was talking, but Gokudera couldn't quite make out the words. The other men were pointing their guns at him, but Yamamoto seemed unfazed. It was as if his body was emitting a dark, angry aura. Gokudera was terrified.

_Move stupid leg, goddamnit, move! STOP IT._

He started crying. His head was spinning and all he could think was that he needed to stop Yamamoto. He couldn't let him fall into darkness. He couldn't just sit there and bleed while Yamamoto's light disappeared.

As he watched Yamamoto slash through one of the bulky gangsters and the blood running down the blade and into Yamamoto's hands, Gokudera's throat finally cleared and he screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, a long time ago, someone told me I was good for angst and I didn't believe them because I prefer fluffy happy stories, but lately I find myself thinking of really angsty stories. I think angst brings out exactly the kind of raw, burning and passionate emotions that I like to portray, and that the most intense, powerful love, necessarily comes with the dark side of it: the most intense pain and loneliness when you can't be with the one you love.
> 
> I feel bad for Gokudera, I'm torturing him too much. I just kind of liked the image of him falling into absolute despair and screaming when he realizes everything he fought for –protecting Yamamoto- is now destroyed. I thought it was a great climatic moment to end the chapter.
> 
> Also, yeah, I snuck some implied 6927 because I can and I love them together. I'm currently writing this huge ass 6927 prequel, hopefully it'll see the light in the near future.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Do let me know what you think!


	4. Mia ombra, tua luce, e noi... sullo stesso percorso

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Completely forgot to post the last chapter, whoops. Sorry

Through his slumber, Gokudera could feel something familiar and warm against his cheek. He leaned in to feel more of it, of the comfort it brought to his heart; and as he did so, he started hearing a soft voice calling him. He opened his eyes slowly to find the blinding light of the medical wing and a pair of worried brown eyes looking at him.

"You're awake! I'm so glad you're alright; I was so scared, I…" the warmth on his cheek –which he identified as a hand- disappeared and was replaced by the weight of the speaker's head on his chest. "I was… so afraid… that I was too late; I don't know what I'd have done if anything happened to you."

Gokudera's eyes flew open when he realized exactly what was happening. With the little strength left in his body, he sat up and shoved the other man away angrily.

"The fuck are you doing here, asshole? I told you before; I don't want to see your stupid face anymore, didn't I?"

Yamamoto's eyes rose to meet his and smiled sadly. Gokudera suddenly noticed the small patch on the other man's chin and his heart stopped. He had failed.

"Go away! Go away, you idiot! You ruined it! You ruined everything! I hate you; I fucking  _hate you_. I…" he grabbed the first thing he could reach (a glass of water) and threw it at Yamamoto's general direction, completely blinded by angry tears.

"Cut it out already!"

Yamamoto dodged the flying object and grabbed his shoulders to keep him from struggling any further. Their eyes met and Gokudera noticed the pain and frustration in Yamamoto's look, and it drained him of all energy, all of a sudden.

"Gokudera I… I don't care if you hate me. I don't even care if you want to kill me either. But I couldn't just sit around when I knew you were in danger. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. I don't think I could ever… I wouldn't know what to do."

Yamamoto was surprised to see Gokudera crying. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and his face seemed drained of all color and life. He didn't know what to do so he reached out to touch him, but the other man flinched and glared at him, angry yet teary-eyed, and full of confusion.

"What are you even saying? How could you .understand what this is about? You don't get it at all. You screwed it up. _I_  screwed it up." He knew it. That if he hadn't been so weak, so stupid, Yamamoto would've never come back. Everything was his fault. "All I did… everything I'd worked for… all the efforts I made… they're nothing now. I just… I just wanted…" Gokudera's voice started to break down, along with his resolve. "I just wanted you to keep smiling… right under the sun." he covered his face with his hands, all his pent-up emotions suddenly spilling out uncontrollably. "You're an idiot, how could you understand? I was born in darkness, this is the path I was meant to walk. But you… you've always been under the sun. I just thought that… that no matter how dark, how bloody… how painful this was… as long as I could see your smile… shining for me… I… How could I… just take that away from you? How could I forgive myself… if I brought you down this path of darkness…? How could I just go on living… if your smile disappeared? I just… I was… You stupid… I…" he started to lose his breath and the room seemed to spin around him. Suddenly, he felt he was falling, falling into deep, terrifying darkness; and then, suddenly, he was caught in strong, warm arms that felt just right.

When his eyes regained focus, he noticed he was being held tightly to Yamamoto's chest. He could hear the other man curse, his voice shaking with anger.

"Damnit. Damn it, Gokudera, goddamnit." His hands were trembling too, and Gokudera wondered if Yamamoto had finally realized how being with him would ruin him and was angry because of that. But he knew that wouldn't be the case; that fool would never come to such a conclusion. "I'm so… so angry right now…damnit" he started, still shaking; "so damned angry at myself. I can't believe I left you alone when you were struggling so much. I let you walk away and didn't even realize that you were in so much pain. Shit."

Gokudera shoved the Rain Guardian away, instantly missing the warmth of his embrace, and stared at him with wide eyes. "The fuck are you talking about? The one you should be mad at is me. You're always like this, why do you take the blame for everything?! I'm the one who's going to ruin your future,  _I'm_  the one to blame for everything!"

Yamamoto grabbed him by the shoulders and stared at him sternly. "See, this is why I  _do_  get angry at you. You're never honest about your feelings and then you go ahead and take these important decisions all on your own without asking me first. Let  _me_  decide what's going to ruin my future and what isn't." He leaned his forehead against Gokudera's and breathed out a chuckle. "I mean, how silly can you be? How could you even think I could keep smiling without you? And you're supposed to be the smart one, damn it."

Gokudera pushed him away once again, fighting against the tightness in his chest that didn't want to let go. "You don't get it. That's why I didn't tell you. Because you're an idiot and you'd never get it.  _I've_ seen it. I know it'll happen. If I keep dragging you down this road of blood, you'll end up drowned in darkness. You… you don't deserve that. I'd never forgive myself. I've already… I was so weak… and now you've tainted your hands with blood because of that. I can't let you go on any further. Otherwise I…"

Yamamoto shut him up with a hand to his mouth. "And that's why I said to stop making decisions about my future all on your own. Actually, stop making decisions about  _our_  future all on your own. Isn't that what being together is about? Talking these things out and deciding the kind of future we  _both_  want?" he brushed away the tears on his beloved's face and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on his lips.

Gokudera didn't know what to do, but for a moment, it didn't really matter. Kissing Yamamoto for the first time in years made him feel like he was finally back home, back to safety, back to the only place where he could be happy, so he just let himself drown in that feeling. He'd been so sad and so lonely for so long, that even this small comfort made his heart swell. But the moment the kiss ended he was cruelly pulled back to reality; a reality in which he couldn't allow himself to hurt Yamamoto any further; where Yamamoto had already carved his own path and Gokudera couldn't dare to drag him away from it.

"The hell are you doing, idiot? Don't touch me, I hate you! How many times do I have to tell you to fuck off?! And aren't you married, you worthless bastard?!" saying all that out loud hurt a lot more than Gokudera expected it to. Not only lying about his feelings, but also reminding himself that Yamamoto had already chosen someone to spend his life with. And Gokudera wasn't that someone.

Yamamoto kissed him again; quicker, not giving Gokudera's brain enough time to process anything; and smiled at him warmly and raised his left hand –his  _ring-less_  left hand-.

"I'm afraid that didn't really work out. Sayuri-chan left me a couple of months ago because she said…no, she  _realized_  that my heart was never really in it. I suppose that makes me kind of an asshole for doing it in the first place but … at that time I didn't want to admit that I couldn't stop loving you."

The Storm Guardian didn't know what to say anymore. He wanted to open his mouth and keep protesting, but he couldn't find the words. Had Yamamoto been ruined from the moment they met? Even after all he had done, was there no way for him to save the man he loved? Was there no way to go back in time and make things right now? If he could just-

"There you go. See? You're thinking weird stuff all on your own again. And I just  _told_  you not to do that, are you even listening to me? Don't even try and lie about it, I know you too much. I can tell you're torturing yourself over meaningless stuff again."

Gokudera's pride-filter seemed to turn off for a moment and he just burst with all the held-back rage he had in him. " _Meaningless_?! You think worrying about how I'm inevitably ruining your life is fucking meaningless?! You're the one that's not listening;  _YOU_  are the one that doesn't understand. Everything I've done, all the sacrifices I made so far…  _that_  is meaningless. It's like there was never a way for me to save you! I'm just supposed to live with the fact that you'll never be happy because of me, how can that be meaningless?! You stupid shitheaded a-"

"HAYATO!"

Yamamoto's sudden yell took him out of his reverie and he looked up to see that the taller man was now crying too. The Rain Guardian kneeled on the bed, his body so close to Gokudera's that he could feel the warmth washing over him. Yamamoto hugged him and buried his face in the smaller man's hair, tears running down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I've been an idiot. Gokudera has always been thinking about me, of course it's not meaningless. I'm so sorry. I should've never left you alone to carry all this burden. I'll never make the same mistake again. I'll make things right this time. Even if you hate me, or hit me, or blow your dynamite on my face, I'm never,  _ever_  letting you go again."

"I told you, you're not fucking listening, you idiot. If you stay here-"

"That won't happen. Because Gokudera tried his best… because you cried for me and watched over me all this time… I won't let that become meaningless. If Gokudera did all that for my happiness, now it's my turn to make Gokudera happy. From now on I'll always do my best to keep making Gokudera's path brighter. I want Gokudera to smile too. And I want to be by your side no matter what. Because that's the only way for me to find happiness. So please… don't underestimate my feelings anymore…  _Hayato_ … give  _us_  a second chance, I'm begging you."

Gokudera's voice seemed to be lost for the umpteenth time that day. He could feel a tight knot in his throat and his heart racing a mile a minute. He tried to swallow back the tears, but it was impossible, they just kept flowing as if he hadn't been crying endlessly for god knows how long. He bit his lip, trying to hold back all the feelings he'd kept concealed inside his heart for so long. He sunk his head in Yamamoto's chest, hearing his heartbeat and melting into his scent.

"As if I could ever say no to you, stupid."

* * *

Gokudera had gotten used –for the past two weeks- to wake up to Yamamoto's smiling face and the beeping of the machines in the hospital wing of Vongola.

"Don't you have anything else to do?"

The Rain Guardian chuckled and helped the other man to sit up on the mattress.

"Well, Tsuna's a pretty cool boss; he's given me a lot of time to get the hang of things here and take care of you. And Fuu-chan's at home with my old man, she'll be okay without me for a couple of hours."

The injured man groaned. His wounds were mostly healed now and he couldn't wait to get discharged, but the Tenth had showed up shortly after he woke up and made it clear that he wasn't leaving the hospital until his stupid fractured leg was completely healed. Yamamoto came to visit every morning and they'd chat a little or argue about meaningless things. Gokudera was kind of annoyed at himself for feeling so blissfully satisfied over such silly simplicities.

"I can't believe they allowed an irresponsible idiot like you to keep a child just like that. I don't even want to know what would've been of that little girl if your dad wasn't there to make sure you don't mess everything up."

The truth was, he was immensely relieved to know Yamamoto had kept his daughter, but he would never admit to it aloud. It was already bad enough that the baseball player's marriage had failed because of him; he wouldn't be able to carry anymore guilt.

Yamamoto leaned closer – _really_  closer- until their noses were almost touching and smiled at him mischievously.

"Well, you can always join the family and become Fuu-chan's Mama. I'm sure she'd love you."

The silver-haired man blushed and pulled away, not meeting Yamamoto's eyes and mumbled 'Idiot'. Yamamoto grabbed him by the chin with two fingers and lifted his face to kiss him. Gokudera melted into the kiss and held on to his lover's collar, allowing his mind to go completely blank. He'd missed this too much to care about his pride.

The taller man pushed the smaller one back down on the mattress, which caused his partner to pull away and frown at him.

"What do you think you're doing to an injured person, you pervert?"

Yamamoto smiled gleefully and leaned back in to kiss him right on the corner of the mouth, teasingly. "Awww, c'mon Hayato. We've got to make up for six years, right? I promise I won't go too far; just a little fun, yes?"

Gokudera shivered and held back a pleasured moan. He still wasn't used to hearing Yamamoto calling him by his given name, and everytime he did it, his heart would skip a beat. He circled his arms around his partner's waist and held on to his shoulders tightly, pulling him closer.

Yamamoto moved his mouth, planting butterfly kisses along Gokudera's jawline and stopping right at that spot where his jaw met his ear to suck on it. " 'sides, I need to make a test… to see if I can still find all of Hayato's good places." He breathed out, as his hands wandered all the way down to his lover's thighs and up the hospital robe, rubbing the skin softly.

Gokudera gasped.  _Making a test, my ass_. Yamamoto was perfectly aware of  _what_  he was doing and  _where_  he was touching. If Gokudera had to confess –something he'd never do out loud- he'd say he had three particularly weak spots in his body: the end of his jawline, the inside of his thigh and the hollow of his collarbones; all of which, he was quite certain that Yamamoto knew perfectly about. When the taller man bit down on his collarbone playfully, he moaned and decided that two could play this stupid game. He moved his hands up Yamamoto's back and all the way to his nape, grazing the area right below the hairline with his fingernails. The dark-haired man shivered in his arms and looked up at him with a blush on his cheeks.

"That's mean, Hayato. You've got to tell me in advance if you're going to do something like that. My heart could stop from the surprise."

Gokudera smirked. "Well, I just thought I'd run my own test,  _Takeshi_."

As the other man blushed an even deeper red, Gokudera pulled him down for another kiss, and smiled. He didn't really know how or why, but he wanted to freeze this moment, for it was absolute bliss and he never wanted it to end

* * *

Gokudera's breath caught in his throat the moment he stood no further than a single step from Takezushi's door. He gulped and tried to force his schizophrenic heart to calm down, to no avail. Takeshi placed a gentle, reassuring hand on his shoulder and smiled at him, grabbing his wrist with his free hand and inviting him to come inside.

It'd been more than six years since he had last stepped into the Yamamoto sushi restaurant. It was a strange and unpleasant feeling, as if shadows and vermin started crawling through the door after him.

He froze again once he came face to face with Yamamoto Tsuyoshi's stern face.

"Hey, Pops, how's my little girl doing?" the younger Yamamoto asked cheerfully.

"She's been a little restless but she's-" he was interrupted by the sound of a baby's wails "- _was_ , sleeping. Takeshi, can you check up on her? My hands are a little full right now." He nodded towards the half-full restaurant.

"Sure, that's my job after all." Takeshi grinned and flew up the stairs, seemingly forgetting about Gokudera, who didn't really know what to do with himself right now.

His problem was immediately "solved" by Tsuyoshi. "And now that he's off, I'll have a word with you." And he made a sign for Gokudera to follow him to the kitchen, who just nodded and tried to force his body to stop shaking uncontrollably.

Once they reached the kitchen, Tsuyoshi crossed his arms across his chest and looked at him sternly.

"You hurt my son."

Gokudera´s heart throbbed painfully. "I know. I-"

"No, you don't know anything. You weren't there. You walked away with a straight face and left Takeshi to drown. I almost lost my son because of you."

Hayato bit his lip and turned his gaze to the floor. He'd known from the start that no matter what, there was no forgiveness for him or anything he had done. After all he had done to hurt Takeshi, how could he come back to this house, to face this man and tell him that he was dragging his son back to darkness with him?

"My son loves you."

He raised his eyes to look at Tsuyoshi´s face again. Of course the man had known about their relationship, even when they were in high school. Gokudera wasn't as naïve as Takeshi to believe that they could keep such a thing a secret from a cunning man like Yamamoto Tsuyoshi. The Storm Guardian stopped to contemplate on what he should say next; if there was anything appropriate to say, that is. The baby's cries filled the silence of his thoughts.

"I love him too."

He waited for an angry retaliation, maybe a slap or a punch, a reminder of how he didn't deserve Takeshi's love, and how much pain he had caused him; but it never came. Instead, he saw a small, gentle smile slowly making its way to Tsuyoshi's face.

"Takeshi is a hopeless fool, and I'll admit I've made him a little too innocent and spoiled. Once he sets his mind on to something, he'll never let go of it. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it does mean that  _you_  are the only one who can stand by his side. I've known that from the start. And he needs you now, more than ever.  _Both_  of them do."

Gokudera wasn't sure he understood what Tsuyoshi was trying to say. His heart was caught in his throat, so he couldn't possibly try to ask either, so he kept silent, listening to the far cries of the baby that didn't seem to quiet down.

"You will find that I'm quite merciless with anyone who hurts my precious family. I will not stand still and watch my son lose himself again."

The older man made a small pause and sighed. He then looked up at Gokudera with a smile and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"Please, take care of my son and my granddaughter. If there's anyone who can protect them, that's definitely you."

The young man's heart started beating faster than ever. And then he smiled. Truly, Yamamoto's dad was insanely cool.

* * *

The door to Yamamoto's old room was open and the baby's wails were coming loudly from the inside. Gokudera stepped in hesitantly, he wasn't even sure of what he was supposed to do now, just that he had to be here.

It was strange, and more unsettling than he'd thought it would be, to see Yamamoto holding the five-month-old baby in his arms, rocking gently while walking across the room, a sweet smile on his face and slight worry on his eyes. It was then that it really sunk in on him;  _Yamamoto had a daughter now_ ; and he didn't know how to feel about it.

Hayato approached the taller man slowly, hearing him babble cutesy things to try and calm the toddler down, to no avail. Yamamoto suddenly raised his face and grinned nervously when he noticed Gokudera's presence.

"You know, moms are supposed to have this instinct, like they know why their kids are crying instantly or something; but I think I'm not really good at it." He commented with a sad look on his eyes as he patted the baby's back. "Hey, can you hold her for a second? All the baby stuff is downstairs and I think she may be hungry."

Before he could even think of a reply, the baby was thrust into his arms with sparse indications of "Be sure to hold her head and just rock her a little, she likes that." And Takeshi was gone while he was handling a crying toddler without the slightest idea of what to do with it.

And then, for reasons he didn't quite understand, he decided to stop panicking and look at her, just really  _look_  at her. She was really small, smaller than Uri even; and probably the smallest living thing Gokudera had held in his life. Everything about her was insanely tiny, from her tiny round head, to her tiny chocolate-colored eyes with tiny tears flowing out of them, her super tiny nose and extra tiny ears; her tiny hands with really tiny fingers and her tiny feet with ridiculously tiny toes. She looked a lot like  _him_.

"No doubt you started crying the moment I arrived, huh? A tiny little thing like you should have that idiot's complete attention and I'm stealing him away from you, aren't I?... I'm so sorry… It's my fault that your family broke apart; what am I even doing? You must hate me right now. I'm so…"

The moment the tears started pooling at the corner of his eyes, Gokudera noticed that the little girl had stopped crying and was now looking at him. Just like he had been doing a minute ago, she seemed to be deadly focused on examining him with her eyes wide-open, as if intending to explore the darkest and deepest crevices of his soul. There was a tense moment of silence in the room in which they just stared at each other's eyes for what seemed like ages; until finally, the little girl squirmed in his arms and smiled.

Gokudera's heart skipped a beat. He felt bubbles bursting in his stomach and he wasn't quite sure of why he had the idea that  _this_ , whatever it was, was so fucking important. He just kind of knew that this tiniest of tiny little persons, glowing with innocence, had looked inside him, had seen the worst of him, and had smiled at him. The tears he had swallowed earlier came back full-force spilling from his emerald eyes out of control and he smiled and pressed the little toddler against his chest muttering 'thank you' over and over.

"Sorry I took so long, it got… oh! You've calmed her down already! As expected of Hayato, you truly are awesome. I knew you guys'd get along" Takeshi came dashing through the door with a huge baby bag on his shoulder but stopped and grinned when he saw the situation was under control. It was then that he noticed Hayato was sobbing, so he approached his two most important persons slowly and rested his chin on his lover's shoulder.

"You okay?"

Gokudera swallowed back his tears and turned to Yamamoto with a smile that made the taller man's heart race. "Yeah, 'm fine. 's just… She's really beautiful." He stroked the little girl's tuft of dark hair and passed her back to her father.

"I know, right?" he grinned proudly as she squirmed in his arms restlessly. "Hey, she really seems to like you, I'm gonna get jealous." He added, as the girl continued to squirm and stretched her arms towards Gokudera desperately. "So I guess I should properly introduce you now. Fuu-chan, this is Hayato, the person Daddy loves the most in the world. Hayato, this is Fuuko, the person I love the most in the world."

Gokudera smiled. That was so typical of Yamamoto. He leaned in and took one of the girl's hands in his own, letting her curl her tiny fingers around his thumb and kissed her forehead. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Fuuko-chan."

Takeshi pressed his cheek against Fuuko's, who giggled cheerily. "So? Did I convince you of how much we need you in this family? You wouldn't dare reject us and break the little lady's heart, would you?"

Hayato felt a kind of bliss that he had never felt before. He took a step forward and pressed a quick peck on Fuuko's cheek and a longer, sweet kiss on Takeshi's lips. This was where he was meant to be; the only place where he could wash away all his darkness and bask under the sunlight, together, with the one person he loved above anything else.

Well… two persons now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, ladies and gentlemen –though I suppose it's mostly ladies-. God, the drama. If I had a penny for every time Gokudera showers in self-loathing I'd… probably have around 20 pennies. But I think it's okay. The whole point of this was that Gokudera desperately needed to forgive himself, and for that to happen, he needed to be forgiven by all the people he felt he was harming –not only Yamamoto, but his father and his daughter-.
> 
> I noticed this chapter is entirely Dera-centric, and I actually had originally planned for a little Yama moment at the end with a flash-forward shit, but I think I'll save that for an omake. I think the ending as it is reflects the essence of the story I wanted to tell and the end of Gokudera's journey, from his sinking in despair and loneliness to his finding his place back under the light with his new family, so I didn't want to add anything else.
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading! I have a sort of sequel collection of snippets, I'll probably start crossposting it too soon. I hope you've liked this :D


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